Short Story Prompt #1 - The Abduction

Faust tucked his chin down and pinched the collar of his trench together as he walked along the sidewalk. It didn’t help. It never did.

The damn wind and drizzle couldn’t decide where the hell they were going. So, they went everywhere at once.

He suspected that they wanted to hit him in the face. On purpose.

“Bonaventure Mallory Faust," asked an accentless, male voice.

Faust winced. Two people in the world knew his full name. Three, before he’d gotten one of them killed. He had no need for a second name. That’s why he’d loaned it out. To the voice in his head.

On cue, Mal chimed in. Never trust a voice from nowhere, BF.

“I’ll remember that,” Faust deadpanned. He shifted his gaze left. Then right.

The voice’s owner and a companion stood in front of a head high sidewalk lamp. They were odd at best. Something else at worst.

The one on the left was a Japanese girl with a pair of raven pigtails that dangled above her shoulders. A white blouse and plaid skirt clung to her adolescent figure. Both were heavy with rain. She hugged a small, raggedy teddy bear in her arms and stared at Faust with unblinking, wide eyes.

Creepy.

He could almost hear the Japanese girl’s teeth chattering. “Poor kid,” muttered Faust.

The one on the right was bigger. He was a head higher than the girl but still didn’t make it past Faust’s chin. He looked out of focus. Hard to see.

And Creepier. Mal seemed a bit jittery.

Faust tried a second time to focus his eyes on the bigger one. It was like looking at something with peripheral vision. His head started to ache from the effort. “Something I can help you with?”

The full moon peeked through the clouds and struggled to light their faces. From behind them, the sidewalk lamp created halos. Its artificial light was strong enough to throw their shadows onto Faust’s feet.

“Bonaventure Mallory Faust.”

Warning bells! Warning bells! Warning bells!

Faust hissed, “Zip it, Mal.”

Full moon. Check. You noticed the one-eyed teddy bear. Right? Check. The guy you can’t quite see. Check!

Mal had a point and his chattering put Faust on edge. His hand drifted into his trench towards his M1911 .45 caliber. He stopped himself and pulled it back out. “Cut it out. No more midnight horror marathons for you.”

“Bonaventure Mallory Faust,” said the Japanese girl. She stepped forward and tilted her face up to his. Her body shook as the skittish air and rain cut through her wet clothes.

Faust put his hands on her shoulders. He didn’t know why, but he felt protective of her. “Yes, honey. I’m Bonaventure. You and your grandfather should get somewhere warm.”

Bad idea, BF.

And it was. One of her arms latched onto one of his. The other snaked around his midsection. She twisted her backside into his front and used her right hip to throw him into the air.

The world somersaulted and Faust landed with a splash on his back.

You never learn.

The girl darted her tiny hand into the innards of her teddy bear and pulled out a square, black device. Two prongs sat within a half-moon depression on one side. Electricity arced and crackled between them.

Everything went black.


When he came to, Faust found himself laid out on a small cot.

It’s about time you woke up, BF. Let’s take a look around.

“Give me half a second, Mal.”

Faust checked for his .45. He found an empty shoulder holster instead.

Craptastic.

“Yeah.”

Faust dropped his feet off the side of his resting place and scanned the small room.

It was spartan. Windowless. The floors, walls, and ceiling were all metal. A mini-fridge sat beside the cot. There were two doors. One on the left and the other opposite of him.

Faust walked to the door on his left. He reached for a handle but noticed that there wasn’t one. The door opened anyway.

He stepped inside and found a tiny bathroom with a toilet and a shower.

Hallelujah. You know how my IBS gets. Well, our IBS.

“I don’t have IBS.”

When Faust heard the other door open and close, he left the bathroom and looked towards it.

Three figures met his gaze.

This could be hell.

“Aren’t you going to offer your mother a drink?”

The shituation got real.

Even for a fellow with a voice named Mal in his head, this was a bit much. Faust eyed them as they approached.

His mother was a frail woman with tired, stringy grey hair. She puffed on a cigarette and had a can of cheap beer in her hand. “It’s empty.”

Christina embraced him with a tight hug and pressed her ample chest against his. “I’ve missed you, babe,” she said before nibbling his ear.

Her perfume. She wore it on special occasions. Like the night that she’d died in his arms. Faust stared at her.

You’ve got to admit. She looks great. Right?

“Are you surprised to see me, babe?” Christina winked. A strand of her red hair fell across the translucent skin of her face. She didn’t wait for an answer. “Do you like my dress?”

It was a green number. A lovely dress. And on any other woman, he would’ve noticed it. But when he looked at Christina, he only saw her.

I mean, for a zombie. Smells amazing too. Think you guys can work it out?

“It’s empty,” repeated his mother, shaking the can.

Faust gestured at the mini fridge without a word. His mother walked towards it.

“Christina, do you want one,” she called over her shoulder.

“No. Thank you, Mrs. Faust.”

“Call me June, honey.” A moment later, she cried out in delight. “Ah! You’ve got a bottle of wine here Bonnie.”

Faust heard a pop and wondered where his mother had found a corkscrew.

“What about you Alan? You want a glass of wine?”

Alan was his father. He stood a good two inches taller than Faust. They shared many features. At seventy, his hair remained black. Only, a touch of grey had invaded his temples.

And so the night went on. The three of them spoke with Bonaventure Mallory Faust, but he never spoke a word in return. As far as hallucinations went, they were damn impressive.

One moment they were there, and the next they had gone.

Faust sat on the cot. Lost in thought. Even Mal had gone quiet. He was taking a nap or he’d gone to the can for his IBS.

“That was weird," said a female’s voice.

Faust groaned.

“And scary,” she continued.

It’s not me, BF. I’m taking a deuce.

“I know,” hissed Bonaventure.

The female voice giggled.

“And who might you be,” asked Faust.

“Bellatrix.”

“And where might you be?”

“Right here.”

“I don’t see you.”

“Yes, you do.”

Faust scanned the room again. He even stuck his head into the bathroom and took a peek under the cot. “No, I don’t.”

“I’m the ship.”

“You’re the ship?”

“I’m the ship.”

Faust grimaced. “What ship?”

“The ship that you’re on.”

Faust laid back on the cot and closed his eyes. He sat there in silence. Hoping that everyone would go away.

“Mal is funny. I like him,” Bellatrix said.

“You can hear Mal?”

“Yes. And no. For the same reason, I saw and heard your mother, father, and Christina. She’s pretty. I like her hair.”

“You could see them?”

“Yes and no.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can see you. I can also track all your physiological, neuro…”

The room rocked from some type of impact. Faust flew from the cot. The cot flew off the floor.

Every single time I’m on the damn can.

“What the hell’s going on,” shouted Faust.

“We’re under attack,” whimpered Bellatrix.

She sounded like she was crying.

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First off, first draft. It’s been a busy week. My wife is about to kill me since I’ve spent the last 6 hours typing this up. I just got back from Shanghai because I had to renew my passport. But, more important to participate.

Second, I tried my damnedest to work in the Dramatica, but I failed. Unless it happened unconsciously. Which brings me to my request for the next go around: could we upload a complete storyform and work from that?

I guess I felt that it was too random with just the four Dramatica terms without any additional information about MC, IC, OS, and RS. Also, no PSR, etc. I took my MC and gave him a voice in his head. Thanks to the poster that inspired this idea by revealing that they had a voice in their head. Very cool.

So, please can we consider using a complete storyform even though we will only be looking at a tiny piece of it? This time around, Dramatica beat me. There’s always next time.

First, I’m curious what you were going for — Dramatica wise, which of the 4 appreciations were you trying to use in the rain scene? And which in the hallucination portion?

[quote=“museful, post:2, topic:1684”]
Which brings me to my request for the next go around: could we upload a complete storyform and work from that?

I guess I felt that it was too random with just the four Dramatica terms without any additional information about MC, IC, OS, and RS. Also, no PSR, etc. I took my MC and gave him a voice in his head. Thanks to the poster that inspired this idea by revealing that they had a voice in their head. Very cool.

So, please can we consider using a complete storyform even though we will only be looking at a tiny piece of it?[/quote]
We can do anything at all that people want. I chose this because it’s supposed to be the smallest unit of story.

My second question is what kind of feedback do you want? Just Dramatica stuff? Feedback overall?

By the by, I think you are super brave!

@jassnip Feel free to come out guns blazing. I can take it. Plus, I get the benefit of your pro advice.

In regard to Dramatically, I tried to assign PRCO first but I didn’t feel inspired. I thought TRUST might be the rain scene and TEST the ship scene. The hallucinations are sent by the Antagonist (not exactly clear from just this scene).

I’m just not sure. After fretting over it for a bit, I just wrote and hoped that it might bleed into the story.

I’m not even sure the scene has four events. Abduction, Hallucination, Revelation by AI, and Attack? It’s 1:00 AM and I’ve been up since 5:00 AM so my brain is a bit soft.

I also tried to make a storyform containing these four somehow but it ended up being too many choices. I think too many choices paralyze me sometimes. I just like to get something on the page.

Not so much a Dramatica thing, but I felt no tension in this piece. I also have no idea what motivates the girl spirit into an Ogoshi (major hip throw) and take his gun away.

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The biggest issue I’m finding with this piece is context — there doesn’t seem to be much.

Okay…I’ma take this section by section.

This isn’t a scene (change of circumstance, important to character, irreversible, new direction).
It has a change of circumstance, but we don’t know whether this is of import to him (it doesn’t feel like it in the following scene/the hallucinations), we don’t know how easily being unkidnapped would be, or gives him a new direction to go in. BF is passive here.

Let’s take a gander at the action chain,
Walking in rain
Seeing other (suspicious people)
Stopping himself from reaching for a gun
Being flipped by the girl
Being zapped unconscious by the girl

The major actions belong to the girl. I could make a perfectly valid argument that she’s the scene owner (as the one driving the scene) and that NONE of the scene criteria are met/explored for her.

So, this is part of a scene, so we move to the next part looking for the missing parts (importance, reversibility, new direction). But again, BF is completely passive.

He looks around, sees the hallucinations, and despite Mal’s observance that the “shituation got real”, he doesn’t do anything with the hallucinations, just ignores them. So no steps toward completing the scene. And because BF is so passive there’s no tension.

There’s actually less going on in the Hallucination bit than in the beginning.

Now we move into another unrelated jump to the introduction of the AI, here’s another hallucination (from the reader’s perspective) only this one he talks to from some unknown reason. It’s feeling surreal, but not in an intriguing way, more in a wtf were you smoking kinda way.

And, you did the smart thing…you knew that it wasn’t going anywhere so you jumped context again to try and amp up the tension by bringing in an attack.

So the biggest problems with this are what @MWollaeger and I were discussing in the other thread…context (there isn’t any) vs. scene (and there isn’t really any of that either.)

I would challenge you to just take the first section and figure out why one of those three character needed Trust and why the other character(s) were unwilling to grant it.

What I enjoyed about this scene: Mal. Totally Mal, He speaks to my snarky smart-ass self.

I repeat I really do think you were brave posting first.

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I agree. I think I have the setup for two scenes sandwiched together. No goals and no conflict.

Maybe both halves can work as P in the PRCO of some rewritten scenes.

Maybe I got so focused on the four Dramatica undercurrents that I failed just to get some clear goals.

I’m not brave. I just want to learn. That’s all.

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I like this piece,was really intrigued by the story of it. I think I see some test and trust in there, but would like to hear your thoughts on how you were trying to work everything in.

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I’m going over your story and pointing out random Dramatica stuff that catches my eye. Don’t know if I’m right or wrong on any of it.

Nice example of a non-human character.

Knowledge of his full name creates conflict that causes Faust to wince.

Lack of trust creates conflict of cautiousness, or anxiety?

Midnight horror marathons create conflict of causing Faust to nervously reach for his gun at sign or trouble.

Effect of being protective, having sympathy?

Does Faust Cause this? Or is this Effect? (Note: the questions aren’t criticisms, they’re me working through Dramatica elements that might apply and being unsure of myself only)

You never learn that you are causing yourself trouble, or you never learn what effect you have on people

Was he testing them to see if they were hallucinations, maybe?

I’m going to stop there because I’m not sure I’m pointing things out correctly at all, but also because I get wrapped up in the story and forget about Dramatica. Not sure if this was just an exercise for you or something that might grow into a larger work, but my two cents is that I’m interested in Faust and where his story is taking him. Good work.

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I appreciate everyone’s feedback.

As you pointed out @Gregolas I think it is easy to find examples of these on the elemental level, but I imagine the key would be applying them in either a PRCO sense on a scene level or a W plot configuration (more like beats on a scene level) on a sequence level.

Next time I’m going to focus more on the structure. I just had to go fast and hard on this one. It is forcing me to write on a deadline. I like that. Warts and all.

I enjoyed this. I love your use of language, especially in the initial scene under the rain and the street lamps. The way you made it creepy while still keeping the tone humorous was fantastic.

I agree with Diane (@jassnip ) that it’s not really a full story. That’s probably why you don’t see the full quad – not so much because you didn’t think about structure enough, but because you didn’t make it resolve something. Still, I sort of read it as the beginning of a longer piece, like you had a bunch of rough or subconscious ideas of what was going to happen later, and this was just chapter 1.

However, even as the beginning of something longer it does seem to need more narrative drive. I totally agree with all of Diane’s suggestions on that, although I think there is ONE single thing you could focus on that if you did that, it would probably take care of everything else. Just make sure to give your protagonist a “desire” (need, want, goal, whatever) that the reader can see at least sense, and have that motivate the scene / story. Make him go for it, and push against that desire with problems and complications that get in the way, until it resolves somehow.

I actually think you had that in the first part – BF wants to know why these weirdos are calling his name, which actually fits Cause pretty nicely. Mal’s warning him to flee but BF sticks around, subtextually implying that he’s willing to risk danger in order to find out why they’re here and how they know his name. But in the second half that drive in BF seems to go away. (I’ve had this happen when writing too late at night too!)

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I think the theory side of things has been well covered.

Few system agnostic observations from me, tho:

Firstly, I especially enjoyed your opening, particularly the first 2 paras, and the one about only 2 / 3 people knowing his full name.

Secondly, I found that sometimes you were a little too ‘on the nose’. For example, the “Creepy” one word para after we get the description of the Japanese girl. I’m aware that’s his inner monologue / BF voice, but as a reader I feel like I am being told what to think, rather than having the fun of making my own mind up from the clues and cues you give me.
Now… I index really highly for enjoying reading and writing where not much is given away too directly. Clearly other reading styles defo push to the opposite side of mine, so my point here is to encourage thought about different reading styles who might consume the piece… not a suggestion that you change it.

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