My Terrible Short Story Idea

writing
#1

Warning: This may be the worst storyform and story idea you ever read.
Hey all, I wanted to try and write a short story using Dramatica. To be honest, I already wrote a draft of it because I figured I ought to give it a try before asking for advice. Now I want to see if it’s possible to re-write and make it a stronger story. Probably need to fix the storyform too, idk. It’s a simple idea, I don’t want to attempt anything complex.

Again, it’s so… simple. Also, I suck at writing and Dramatica. But here we go. :grin:

So I know for a short story you want to try and cut stuff. Cut out a throughline or something. For my first draft I decided to get an idea of the full storyform and then attempt to illustrate all the signposts. I never really got around to attempting the RS signposts though, due to my weak understanding of them. Maybe cutting it will help make the story shorter?

So here was my idea for the storyform:
MC: Situation/Universe. In this weird town, people are randomly given names. There’s like a list of names yours can be chosen from. The MC happens to get a name like “Criminal Robber”. So, he has a stupid name in a town full of crazy prejudiced people.

IC: Seeing as the MC is Universe, that puts the IC’s in Mind. My idea is that the rest of the town serves as the IC. A bunch of prejudiced people telling him he’s gonna grow up to be… well, y’know, a criminal robber. Telling him he’s a bad person.

OS: This is rough. The idea is something like “getting people to Understand that someone named Criminal Robber doesn’t have to be a bad person”. Physics. It seems like it may be too similar to the MC throughline, but I don’t know for sure.

RS: Psychology. I don’t even know…

My idea was: “Townsfolk drive an innocent man insane because of his unusual name.” In the end, he Changes to accept their perspective and becomes a criminal robber. That’s Bad. And the story ends in Failure, he fails to get them to learn that he doesn’t have to be a bad person.

The Issues: If you didn’t think this idea was silly enough yet…
OS: Instinct. The people are instinctually prejudiced against him- and since this is the Physics domain- they have this group of people get together frequently to try and blame Criminal Robber for things he didn’t do.

MC: Fate. Everyone is sure he’s going to one day become a criminal robber. This is a problem for him, since he’s trying not to become a criminal, but just live a normal life.

IC: Truth. They impact him by holding steadfast in their personal truths and beliefs in him being a bad man, and one day becoming a criminal robber.

Problems: Should I even go this far? I clearly don’t understand short stories. I figure I might as well imagine it as a full storyform first, right?

MC: I like Knowledge as a problem. “That which one holds to be true”. The people of this town have very different truths compared to Criminal Robber’s on who he is and who he’ll become. This sets Order as the Symptom. The people here are obsessed with Order and the idea of keeping Criminal Robber from disturbing that Order. His response is to help them prevent any form of Chaos and show he is not Chaotic. He even attends one of their club meetings where they come up with ideas to frame him. By the end of the story he adopts the solution: Thought. He considers that maybe he really is a problem. He really is a bad person. Some people are just destined (Fated) to be bad.

Anyways, the Signposts are:
MC 1: The Past. Criminal Robber is judged for the name he received in the past. He decides he won’t let people tell him who he is.
IC 1: The Preconcious/Impulsive Responses. They impulsively judge him. This seems awfully simple, but it is supposed to end up being a short story. I mean, y’know, it’s basically people blame him for stuff he didn’t do and whatnot.
OS 1: I think the the story driver is the Action of him Obtaining his name. He then literally tries to trade away his name. How did I come up with this? Lol.

OS 2: Doing. He notices they are coming up with even wilder ideas of how to frame him for things he didn’t do. There’s even a weekly club meeting.
IC 2: Subconscious/Innermost Desires. The town has become obsessed with framing him. They even have that weekly club meeting.
MC 2: Progress. He tries to change the town’s perspective of him. He even attends one of their club meetings.

OS 3: Learning. He has made a little progress, someone even dares to send him brownies. However, the club has done some detective work and discovers/learns about the possibly one illegal thing Criminal Robber has ever done.
MC 3: The Future. At court, he accepts his fate for this crime, but still argues that he’s not all bad. That there’s hope for someone like him. That he deserves a future. Nobody really cares or listens.
IC 3: The Conscious: They don’t even consider his argument or perspective.

OS 4: Understanding. He’s released from prison many years later. He hopes now it’s possible for people to Understand him, to Understand he doesn’t have to a bad guy. But everyone remembers him. Remembers what they thought of him. And he’s judged.
MC 4: The Present. He takes a look at the world around him. He thinks about who he could be: Anyone he wants. He has a choice. Then he looks at the people around him, judging. Telling him he’s bad. It clicks in his head. Maybe he really is bad? And then, of course… he robs a bank to fulfill his title/name.
IC 4: They remember him. Their negative perspective of him. And when he’s gone- when he gives in to the idea that he’s bad- there’s maybe a flicker of regret in this town. That they turned an innocent man bad. But the people move on, and cover up his Memory with lies.

I know I’m insane for even writing any of this. Haha. But I figure, you can’t learn anything without at least trying. Without learning from your mistakes. So any advice you can see I need here would be of much help.

Btw: I originally had Learning as the Story Goal. It was bugging me a lot. For some reason, due to a past storyform, I must’ve thought it was locked in as Learning and I had no other choice. Thank goodness I changed it to Understanding. From now on I need to listen to that nagging feeling that something is wrong with my storyforms. Understanding works so much better.

#2

I think it is pretty cool. There’s no reason that this short story isn’t viable as an allegory or satire.

I have always been fascinated by the power of names. I once read a study that said: If given four choices, people generally are able to pick a person’s real name 33% of the time.

In other words, our names somehow shape, define, etc. us. Woah! Many of the very unusual (and awesome, might I add) people that I know in my life had unusual names. Many times, the more unusual the name, the more unusual the personality.

There’s probably a whole list of influences for that:

  • Your name reflects how those giving you a name would like you to be.
  • You model who you are on the inherent power of your name.
  • Individual name = Individual personality.
  • A boy named Sue.
  • A million more.
  • A name tells a story.

So, don’t sell yourself short. It sounds like a fantastic idea to me. I named my MC Bonaventure Faust.

Plus, it is relatable. I hate my name. I wonder if there are many folks out there that love their name. I wonder if I hate myself a little. Who knows. Wonderful idea with lots of potentials.

On a side note, in China, many parents pay a village elder/wise person/fortuneteller to pick their child’s name because it is so important. This practice continues.

More than one of my Chinese students has expressed a desire to change their name. I imagine a number of folks in a number of countries think about changing their name every day.

So more encouragement than help at this point.

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#3

I get it. I tend to want to say these same things. But there’s no need to apologize for a story or idea. Be proud of it. It’s yours. And I bet most people here are less concerned with how awesome your story is than they are with, say, how awesome you make your story by using Dramatica or just how awesomely you’re able to use Dramatica.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me apologize up front by saying to keep in mind that I am not an expert. The following comments and questions are meant to generate thought and not to suggest you’ve done anything wrong. That said, here are my thoughts on the storyform.

I think this is a great start. Your MC has an unfortunate name. That’s personal to him alone. No one else is dealing with that. You’ve told us the source of the problem (unfortunate name) as well as hinted at how this creates conflict (the people of town will judge Criminal based on his name.).

If this were my storyform, id Go with something like ‘Criminal Robber has an unfortunate name which causes the locals to actually treat him as a criminal.’ That’s more specific. If you really want to go into detail, mention how they spit on him and accuse him of things. But I usually save that for the Sign Posts.

These are just my thoughts. Take them for what they’re worth to you. I could very well be wrong (see, here I go apologizing again!) but this just seems to be the conflict from the MC throughline. How is the problem of one man having an unfortunate name coming from a different source than a town holding one mans name against him?

I’m definitely not suggesting that your OS isn’t in Physics, but what physics are at the source of this problem of understanding? The way it’s worded sounds to me more like an internal struggle for everyone rather than an external one.

How is assigning blame a physical external issue?

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#4

Just throwing this out there. Maybe people have to pay for the use of names. Your MC’s parents, being poor, had to get one of the names with the lowest price.

absolutely!

I really believe you’ll get more bang if you make the IC one person (or a handful of people, each in their own domain; home, work, school, etc.).

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#5

Nice twist there YS. They pay money to the fortune tellers in China for this service. So there’s definitely a racket around it.

Imagine a world where names are controlled. Very cool twist. Or what if you can’t even afford a name. The nameless.

Maybe that would be something that would be heard in that scenario. Be grateful. At least you are not one of the nameless.

I definitely see it as a very interesting subject.

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#6

I love this.

You know, the powerful, wise, and always benevolent government would never force you to have a name you did not want. You have the option to discard your name and become a member of the nameless.

Is this sounding too much like Divergent?

#7

Maybe you should make it broader to avoid too much similarities with the MC Throughline. I think Conceiving would work better than Understanding. Something like: “Getting people to Conceive that names do not shape a person’s future”. But the variations don’t seem to match a lot. So maybe it could be Conceptualizing with its variations (State of Being, Sense of Self, Situation, Circumstances) which fit better and make you keep the variations you have.

I like the idea that names could be too expensive for a family to afford. That can be interesting, and might help to shape the IC. Maybe the IC could be someone with an unfortunate name as well, but who learned to deal with it, and influences the character to do the same.

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#8

On a first impression, I agree with this. If you have the whole town as IC, it’s hard to distinguish between IC and the OS.

As with @Gregolas I offer the disclaimer that I’m not an expert, but for an alternative perspective, it seems to me if the story is all about the problems everyone creates with their fixed attitudes, the OS would be in Mind – everyone shares this weird practice of giving people random names and then judging them for it!

In order to deal with this, maybe the MC has to create a fake identity (psychology/being) just to get by in life. This works until the IC (maybe a love interest) Learns (Domain of Physics, Signpost 1) that he’s really Criminal Robber, which causes all kinds of problems by threatening to expose him.

As for their relationship, how can it Progress when they’re stuck in this Situation of being in a crazy town?

Just a thought.

#9

A possible IC might be a guy with a higher-tier name, but who has never lived up to it. The fact that he has never lived up to it causes him a great deal of social anxiety and he takes great lengths to hide it.

Maybe he has one of the invisible disabilities such as bipolar disorder, depression, hypostatic orthotension, or a slight learning disability - something which often goes undetected such that no one, not even himself, knows he has it.

#10

Hey @BillyBenji, at first glance I have a few thoughts:

I saw this touched on already, but I want to reiterate it: no idea is really ever bad. At worst, it’s been done before, and even those can turn out well. But a really weird idea – that’s great! And then you have to execute, so you’re taking a good first step.

What I want to encourage you to do here is try to push yourself to get weirder. Because you have accidentally limited yourself in your first idea, and it’s going to hamstring your ability to use Dramatica to its fullest.

These two things – they are the same thing: The MC is getting judged for his name.

So now you have a wide open playing field again when it comes to the IC, because you haven’t actually defined it. So go crazy.

IC Mind:
• Everyone in town is a mindless zombie. All they can remember are things they did before they hit puberty.
• A local scientist thinks free thought is bad, driven by memories of his mother (also an inventor) trying to build wings and fly – and she does! But she flies away and never returns.
• Man do people love peanut butter in this town. They can’t even remember a meal that wasn’t made with peanut butter.

You get the idea…

This will actually help you figure out the RS, because it will give you space for one. Right now, since the IC isn’t defined, the RS can’t find room to live.

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#11

“Story points,” Decker muttered as he looked at the photographs and fiddled with the piano. “You’re talkin about story points.”

Late night. Grinding through these. They always look like they make no sense when I’m doing them, a little better when I stop.

#12

If only I could add a signature to add this to.

#13

Well, if you have any questions in the light of day, just ask.

What?

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#14

I love the quote. I’d like to preserve it.

#15

It’s not so much that I have questions, but that working through the first pass of filling in story points is for me a bit of a vague process, because it’s the first pass. I can feel the shape of the thing shifting under me as I answer each question and it’s somewhat disconcerting. I guess you get used to it. Even with the help of Dramatica, it’s a spiral towards coherence, not a straight line. Somewhere along the line here, for example, I realized that in order to make the story I actually want, instead of the ‘easy one’, the exposure of the murderer and it’s climax don’t go at the end of the book, with a little denouement, that’s the end of the 2nd act, and then there’s everything that comes after because THAT’S what’s actually interesting. So that changes the answer to everything I’ve set down before. I don’t have the energy to go back and redo the points, and my development editor is getting pissed I’m not writing scenes, so I’m hoping this all shakes out as I push forward. I guess we’ll see. I will say this is much easier the second time ( tried to write something with it last year). The theory is so complicated, there’s no way to get around the need to internalize a lot of it before you really start to ‘get’ it.

#16

I love the quote too. I’ve been waiting for someone to show up with an idea like this that could really get weirder. Should we get someone over at Etsy to make a poster?

#17

Yes, you do need to internalize it, no doubt. I’m not sure the spiraling ever stops, though it does change – it happens in different places, but I don’t know if that’s because the story is different or the understanding is different.

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#18

It’s a journey, hopefully with signposts :slight_smile:

#19

Thanks. I may have been a little stressed/doubt filled at the time I wrote all that. Actually, the only reason I wrote any of this was because I was working on writing something that I had to share with other people in a few days and I wasn’t sure if I was headed in a decent direction. By the way, the story was received-- surprisingly-- very well. I guess I have Dramatica to thank for that.

First, I want to apologize for replying to you all so late. Sometimes I struggle with figuring out how to respond to things, especially overwhelmingly positive feedback in the midst of all my negative perceptions about my stories and ideas.

Second, thank you all! There are some incredibly cool ideas in here and a ton great advice. I definitely appreciate everything you’ve all shared with me here. :smile:

This is great. If I try to make a “normal” Dramatica story, I’ll probably end up making a dull, unoriginal, and predictable story-- regardless of whether or not it has sound structure. The movies I watch seem to be growing weirder, and I’ve found that’s certaintly not a bad thing.

I guess I’ll have to try harder at being weird from now on!

#20

I’m not entirely sure what you mean by this, but

  • if you think there is such a thing as a “normal” Dramatica story, then your thinking is off,
  • if you think ordinary things are necessarily boring, then your thinking is off,
  • If you think Dramatica pushes things towards being boring, unoriginal or dull, then your thinking is off
  • If you think that you will write a boring story if you choose to be “normal” then you are on your way to finding your voice, and that is great!